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Extra marital affairs used to be only physical in nature but with increased internet usage Cyber Affairs are increasingly more common. They can be carried on in the home surrounded by unsuspecting spouses and children. Perhaps that is what makes them so emotionally devastating.
After nearly 30 years of marriage I recently found that my husband was having a “Cyber Affair”. Find out What signs tipped me off and what actions I took right and wrong.
THE SIGNS:
My husband and I were both married and divorced before we met. Both of us had unfaithful spouses and we each had a daughter from the previous marriage. We both carried emotional scars and baggage from our previous marriages. When we decided to get married we agreed we wouldn’t wish divorce on our worst enemies. We used to say if we ever got to the point that we just could not live together, rather than divorce we would just buy dueling pistols as it would be much more merciful. As is true with most marriages we had good times and bad but we always managed somehow to make our way through together.
My husband was always a good man. I am not saying he didn’t have flaws, everyone does, but throughout the decades he repeatedly stated that because his ex-wife had an affair during their marriage he knew how it felt to be cheated on and he could never do that to someone else. In the early years of our marriage I was sure that was just talk but as time marched on I not only came to believe it but to count on it.
Fast forward to 2020. In February my husband found out that an old friend had passed away. This friend and his wife went to high school with my husband but they drifted apart long ago. My husband had a crush on the friends wife in high school but they never dated. He called the friends widow to express his condolences. Little did I know how that phone call would change life as I knew it. He mentioned texting her a few times to see how she was doing and even said she had stopped responding. Then........... I heard the first warning bell. It was that innocuous “ding” that announces the arrival of a new message on Facebook Messenger. I looked over at him to see that he was furiously typing a response. More “dings“ arrived and each time he stopped whatever he was doing to immediately respond. After the first few “dings” I asked who he was talking with and he told me it was the friends widow. I asked how she was doing and the one word responses began. She was “good”. Over the course of the next few days and weeks the dings increased and conversation with me decreased. Quicly it got to the point that the first thing he did in the morning was to send her a message as was the last thing at night. He became defensive and it seemed one word answers were becoming the norm. I started getting that tightness in my chest that tells us danger is near. I tried to find a way to address the issue without making any accusations. When I really wanted to scream at him and tell him to stay away from her I instead chose to try another approach. I asked why he was being so distant. I told him that I loved him and missed him. For a few days it seemed as though he got the message, but it didn’t last. Those “dings “ were beginning to feel like daggers through my heart.
Then I began catching him in lies, silly little unnecessary lies. I finally decided that I had to find out what was going on. I have never been the jealous type that spies on her husband. I thought long and hard before invading his privacy. I took a deep breath and logged into his Facebook account. As I read the messages between them my emotions went from fear to hurt to anger. He was sharing our intimate lives with her. Not only sharing but embellishing. He made me sound like the worst shrew on the planet and he told her she was beautiful. He called her sweetie and baby. She gave him step by step instructions on how to delete messages he didn’t want me to see. There was plenty there to be hurt and angry about but not enough to prove it was a cyber affair. I thought maybe I can stop this before it goes any further. Again I put on my thinking cap. Once I had the conversation I needed to have burned into my brain, I told him we needed to talk. I told him that in my experience if you had to lie and sneak around what you are doing is probably not right. I had hoped this would make him aware that I knew and he should re-think his behavior. All it did was make him defensive and begin the deny things that I never said. I took a stand and told him not to discuss me with her, not to delete messages, do not tell another woman she is beautiful and most importantly do not write anything you would not want me to see. I sent her a message saying that we needed to talk. I told her that I love my husband. She replied with a denial that they were doing any more than exchanging recipies. I was not born yesterday and one thing I know us when someone begins to deny things before you ask they are trying to pull one over on you. I pleasantly told her that I was glad he was a friend to her in her time of loss but friends was all it can be. Okay, in hindsight I see how stupid that was but again I was hoping to get them to see the error if their ways. For almost 24 hours they chit chatted about the weather and one would think they got the message, but they did not. I became obsessed with knowing what they were saying and each “ding” made me crazier. I was now watching their conversations in live time grabbing screen shots before the deletes. All the while I was doing things to remind my husband how much I love him. I ordered him a box of his favorite cigars. Then I ordered live Maine lobsters (his favorite), bacon wrapped scallops, Alaskan king crab legs and planned a special evening. I told him that I had a surprise coming on Tuesday and he was going to be all mine that day. Tuesday started like every other day during this time. He woke up and immediately messaged her “good morning baby”. I reminded him that this was our day. There was a hiccup with the delivery of the seafood and ‘I spent hours trying to get it delivered, with it finally arriving several hours late. Once we began dinner I heard that awful sound, DING. He stopped eating and responded immediately, “In case you forgot I ❤️ You.” I thought my dinner was going to violently return. I just kept swallowing hard to prevent it’s escape. Once dinner was complete (mine was done with that message), I reminded him that he was mine for the evening. I told him that I had a movie planned for us and some snuggle time. That was when he sent her the message saying that he just found out he was tied up for awhile but he would be back to tuck her in. I really wanted to put on Stephen King‘s Misery. I wanted to be Kathy Bates and do to him what she did to James Caan. Instead I stayed with the original plan and put on The Irishman. He loves mafia movies and it was 3 and 1/2 hours long. I kept waiting for snuggle time but it never came. As soon as the movie was over and he saw that she was offline he was ready to go to sleep. I spent most of the night staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how to handle this mess. It didn’t take long the next morning before I saw my opening. He wanted to let me know that if he had a complaint about dinner it was that the bacon on the scallops was to strong. I took the opportunity to tell him the problem that I had with dinner was that he had to tell her “I ❤️ You“ during it. When he denied sending the message I lost it. No more cool calm discussion all that would come out if my mouth was 1 word, “bullshit”. I began to remind him of the rules regarding continued communication with her, no deleting, not to write anything he didn’t want me to see. I told him I have proof. His feigned indignance has now transitioned into rage, he sends her a message that I just blew up. That he had tried to be there for me the might before and it wasn’t enough. He warned her that I might call or message her. However, as she started deleting messages I sent a message from his account that simply said stop deleting. She asked him if I had read this and I responded yes. He is yelling for me to get off his account. I then sent her a message, 3 simple statements, “Yes I read it, all of the sweetie, baby and I ❤️ You’s. STOP. both of you had spouses that cheated how can you do that to anyone else. Just because he didn’t get his willy wet does not make it any less cheating.“ He started into a tirade. He loves her and hasn’t loved me for a long time. Now I feel that I have one tool left. I calmly remind him that the state we live in not only has a law on the books regarding alienation of affection but it is regularly used with awards to the wronged spouse for hundreds of thousands of dollars. If he doesn’t immediately cease all contact with her, I will sue her and take everything. The next few hours he gave me the silent treatment. I finally told him if we were going to be able to move forward we have to talk. He informed me that he was leaving in the morning. I spoke a lot of words in anger thst I regret. I was hurt and lashing out any way I could. He went to the sofa to sleep. We have a 13 year old daughter who is developmentally delayed and autistic. We both thought she had slept through this encounter. She woke up from a nightmare and tried to yell for him. When she couldn’t get his attention, I yelled to him that she needed him. He stomped in demanding to know what I was yelling about. As if on cue our daughter let loose with the waterworks telling him she thought he left and sobbing uncontrollably and said she didn’t want him to leave. We slept that night with her between us. The next day he said he had called her and told her if my threat to sue. He said they decided to stop communicating with each other and he was staying. We had a long talk and it is going to take time and work if we are going to get past thus. I am not sure how it will all work out but I am still fighting for my marriage. Each day that goes by he seems to be more like the man I have loved half of my life.
UPDATE; Something has just kept nagging at me that he was still carrying on with Rhonda. Today I had the opportunity to either confirm or discredit my suspicions. My gut was right. He had texted her as recently as this morning and they had been exchanging texts and phone calls all along. I was livid. There was no containing myself this time. He had made a trip out and when he returned he immediately asked what was wrong. I suggested that he tell me. He of course played stupid and when I said he had texted her today he tried to say it was and accident. (I suppose he dropped the phone on his penis and it texted her lol ) I asked if her text to him was an accident as well as was the 4 texts from her yesterday and all of the other texts and calls. Suddenly I was the bitch again according to him. So the bitch I was. I demanded that he get her on the phone where I could hear and tell her it was over and that 1 more call or 1 more text and I file an alienation of affection suit. Initially he refused but when I said fine, I will sue her then. He decided he had better do as I said. He called her and told her he cared too much about her to let me hurt her so he was ending it. He told her that I would sue her. Now I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him (and right now I would like to throw him) and am doubtful we will ever be able to rebuild our relationship. Right now I am just so angry and hurt that I just want to scream. I want to call her adult son who is a pastor and tell him that his mother us carrying on with a married man just 2 months after the death of their dad. Right now my kinder side is telling me it would be unkind to the son as he is innocent in all of this but the angry , hurt part of me wants to hurt her any way possible. I did delete her from his contacts, blocked her on his phone and fb messenger. It made me feel good for a second. I have never felt so hurt and betrayed. I am too old to start over and with my health issues and I do not see any good choices. I refuse to spend my remaining time in a nursing home.
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